Sad

There's something beautiful about being sad. Not depressed, not suicidal or upset. Just sad. Just looking around at everything and feeling that it's slipping away from you. Even when you know it's really not. I guess the possibility that it could. Maybe that's why everyone always says to appreciate what you have while you have it. Because it really won't be there long. You can die. You will die. It could be tomorrow. But the thing is, why should death frighten us? Once we're gone, we're gone. Regardless of what you believe in. It's continued life that frightens me to be honest. I don't know what I'll do once everything is gone. Sometimes I think about it. And I can never come up with anything. Just the thought that all of the people I know around me are going to be gone one day....it's terrifying. Because you get so used to the routine of them in your life. You know their roles. They're always there for a reason. Then one day, they just won't be. They won't be anything. I think that's what makes sad so beautiful. It's realizing what you're going to lose. Maybe not quite accepting it yet, because it is a hard thing to wrap your mind around, but realizing it. And then appreciating every single second. Even the really shitty ones. Because I think they'll matter too. It's just such a strange thing. Sad.

Ups and Downs.

I feel like I've flipped my life over completely in just the past few months. I'm doing all these things I've always been afraid of and I'm letting myself feel like I never have before. Oh the feels! But part of me kind of feels shitty about it. Because I've been told several times that I don't deserve this and part of me believes that. I mean let's think about this, I'm the one who always lied and cheated and bullshitted my way out of anything genuine because honestly I was chicken shit. And now I look at some of my friends who never did half the shit I have and they're unhappy. How is that fair? It can't be. It just baffles me that it's happening. I've found this person who reminds me of all the cheesy shit I've read and ever wanted and I'm looking at apartments with them and I wake up smiling because they're there and as far as I'm believing that's where they're staying. But then I look around to some of my friends and what are they doing? Trying to get over someone who broke them down. Trying to move on and becoming someone they're definitely not. I don't know how this is fair. I can't believe that it actually is. And that makes me feel pretty shitty.