It's Been a While

I realize it's been some time since I've written anything on here. So very much has changed. I've changed more than I ever thought was possible and it's been all for the best. I'm much more focused on school and my schedule is pretty full between classes, being a research assistant, and now working two jobs. I don't mind it at all honestly. I really do like to stay busy. I haven't had enough time to screw up and that's a blessing. But I'd like to think that I just wouldn't now. It's nice to think that I have for once have my shit together. Although there is a lot going on right now that I'm not really crazy about I accept the fact that there is nothing I can do about them and let it go. Right now I can only fix what is manageable and accept what is not. It's great to wake up in the morning and not want to crawl under a rock. It has taken a lot but I can look at myself in the mirror and smile back at what I see. That is something that has been impossible for me for years. Really it's been my boyfriend who has done all this for me. Ever since I met him things have been on a steady incline. He's such a large source of motivation in my life and I don't even know if he's aware of it. Maybe it's just being in love, or maybe it's the amazing person that he is. I really don't know. For people that don't have someone like that in their life, that really sucks. Most of my friends are in shitty relationships or are just plain miserable in their lives and that's ridiculous. No one should be stuck in a rut that they are perfectly capable of getting themselves out of. Yes, it's amazing having someone to help you through it but you don't need someone to change yourself. And if you really need the help that bad, ask. Life isn't fair but it doesn't have to be complicated. Anyone can turn things around. As for me, I just hope things stay like they are. I have a feeling that they will. This feels permanent. This feels good. For the first time in a long time, I'm happy.

Sad

There's something beautiful about being sad. Not depressed, not suicidal or upset. Just sad. Just looking around at everything and feeling that it's slipping away from you. Even when you know it's really not. I guess the possibility that it could. Maybe that's why everyone always says to appreciate what you have while you have it. Because it really won't be there long. You can die. You will die. It could be tomorrow. But the thing is, why should death frighten us? Once we're gone, we're gone. Regardless of what you believe in. It's continued life that frightens me to be honest. I don't know what I'll do once everything is gone. Sometimes I think about it. And I can never come up with anything. Just the thought that all of the people I know around me are going to be gone one day....it's terrifying. Because you get so used to the routine of them in your life. You know their roles. They're always there for a reason. Then one day, they just won't be. They won't be anything. I think that's what makes sad so beautiful. It's realizing what you're going to lose. Maybe not quite accepting it yet, because it is a hard thing to wrap your mind around, but realizing it. And then appreciating every single second. Even the really shitty ones. Because I think they'll matter too. It's just such a strange thing. Sad.

Ups and Downs.

I feel like I've flipped my life over completely in just the past few months. I'm doing all these things I've always been afraid of and I'm letting myself feel like I never have before. Oh the feels! But part of me kind of feels shitty about it. Because I've been told several times that I don't deserve this and part of me believes that. I mean let's think about this, I'm the one who always lied and cheated and bullshitted my way out of anything genuine because honestly I was chicken shit. And now I look at some of my friends who never did half the shit I have and they're unhappy. How is that fair? It can't be. It just baffles me that it's happening. I've found this person who reminds me of all the cheesy shit I've read and ever wanted and I'm looking at apartments with them and I wake up smiling because they're there and as far as I'm believing that's where they're staying. But then I look around to some of my friends and what are they doing? Trying to get over someone who broke them down. Trying to move on and becoming someone they're definitely not. I don't know how this is fair. I can't believe that it actually is. And that makes me feel pretty shitty.

Interesting.

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm wide open. Completely unguarded. My walls are down and I feel totally unprotected. But that doesn't scare me. It doesn't worry me at all and I don't know what to think of that. I'm skeptical of everything. I don't trust anything anyone tells me. I bullshit and lie to hide my true thoughts and feelings about everything, even small little shit. But I'm not doing that now. I'm honest. And trusting. And foolish. And I'm the happiest I've ever been. Or at least happiest I've been for a very long time. Happy without holding back. It's wonderful. Terrifying, but absolutely wonderful. I'm going to continue to roll with whatever happens because that's worked out so far. It's okay to have no idea what's going on.

Get a Grip

Okay I'm starting to become rather annoyed at certain people. Actually just at one person.  Why can you not just grow up and accept things as they are? We broke up months ago. MONTHS dude. Yes things were left a little unfinished between us, I realize that.  But let's get some things straight. We dated for what...four months? If that. There is no reason for you to be so madly "in love" with me.  Yeah I get it, I'm fucking cool. The feeling was not mutual. Yes I enjoyed your company. But you were clingy as shit and I do not appreciate that in a person ever.  We broke up because I still had a lot of feelings for my ex. I even told you that. I didn't feel it was fair to you.  Yes I said maybe one day in the future we could try again. I made no promises. I gave no deadlines. I WAS BEING NICE.  I realized I gave you mixed feelings during the summer while I was still single but then I got back with my ex. That should say "hey, she obviously has more feelings for him than me, I should move the fuck on." But oh no. You didn't do that. You became more obsessed. Once I got back to school I realize things did become very confusing. But let me quote myself here "I don't have feelings for you anymore". DO YOU NOT REMEMBER WHEN THOSE WORDS CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH? Because I sure as shit do. And then we didn't talk for two weeks until we hung out randomly and you blew up in my fucking face accusing me of sleeping around because you saw me TALKING with another guy. Let's not forget the fact that I was still in a relationship at that point. And what I did was none of your business at all. Yes. I moved on from you. Things have changed drastically. I suggest you move the fuck on too instead of sending me messages about how you don't even want to be my friend anymore. And how angry and "enraged" you feel every time you see me. Also, how you would only feel better with revenge but can't think of a good enough way yet so you just hope the universe does it for you. So sorry I moved on from your psycho ass. I'm not really into the angry "I'm going to literally punch a guy in the face for talking to you" kind of guys. Yeah. I haven't forgotten about that. Oh and I found out you THREATENED another guy? Fucking psycho. I'm done. Yeah I know I was a bitch to you with some of the things I did. I apologize for that. But it's time to move the fuck on. Sorry you can't be man enough to just be happy for me. Okay I'm done ranting now I think. Just had to get that little bit off my chest there. Bitches.

The rules of "Sex Buddies"

Lately I've been hearing a lot about "friends with benefits", "fuck buddies", etc. And every time I hear about it, I hear about people breaking the rules. Oh yes. There are rules. You would think it would be simple right? It's just sex. Well that's how it's supposed to be. But no one seems to remember the rules. So I'm going to go ahead and rant about that right now. The best part about having a friends with benefits relationship is that there is no relationship. All that crappy emotional stuff that makes everything so complicated is out. But it's important to keep in mind a few things so that it doesn't get ruined.

1.) It is just sex. Not "hey wanna watch a movie and get some dinner?" No. It's just "hey my roommates are out, be here in five". That's it. Hanging out besides sex (unless it's in a large group, that's not too bad) just tends to lead to emotions. And that is bad. Remember that.

 2.) Cuddling afterwards=NO. Cuddling is the epitome of a relationship. This is not supposed to be something sweet and special. It's just High-Five and Out as I like to call it.

 3.) There is no reason to be a total dick though. Having more than one fuck buddy at a time is just a little excessive and mean. Even if emotions aren't in it, it's just rude. But if you do plan to have more than one, be honest about it. There's no reason to lie. The worst that happens? You lose one. But oh hey, you have another.

 4.) NO HANGING OUT BESIDES SEX. I really can't stress that enough. Seriously people. Seriously.

 5.) Cutesy little texts really aren't necessary. Save that for your boyfriend/girlfriend.

 I think that's all. It really annoys me how people still manage to screw up something as simple as this. Basically, if you don't want a relationship but you want sex, follow these rules and you really can't go wrong. If you suddenly decided "hey this person doesn't suck as human being and I wouldn't mind dating them" then go ahead and break the damn rules. But the in-between shit where one person just wants sex but is leading the other person on by completely disregarding everything I have just ranted about is fucked up. Stop that shit.

Fuck salt.

Confusion sucks. It sucks even worse when you know what you have to do and what you want to do but actually doing it means someone is going to get hurt. And no one wants that. On one half, I'm happy. Truly actually happy. I'm laughing and enjoying myself and shit. On the other half, I'm just meh. I'm not unhappy. But I could be happier. Shit has just gotten stale and old. Not bad, just stale. But there's no easy way to figure out what to do. I realize this is just incoherent rambling, but this venting is making me feel a little better. I don't feel nearly as shitty as I should though. But then again, should I feel shitty at all for being happy? It kind of makes me want to bang my head against the wall. Fuck decisions.