Sad

There's something beautiful about being sad. Not depressed, not suicidal or upset. Just sad. Just looking around at everything and feeling that it's slipping away from you. Even when you know it's really not. I guess the possibility that it could. Maybe that's why everyone always says to appreciate what you have while you have it. Because it really won't be there long. You can die. You will die. It could be tomorrow. But the thing is, why should death frighten us? Once we're gone, we're gone. Regardless of what you believe in. It's continued life that frightens me to be honest. I don't know what I'll do once everything is gone. Sometimes I think about it. And I can never come up with anything. Just the thought that all of the people I know around me are going to be gone one day....it's terrifying. Because you get so used to the routine of them in your life. You know their roles. They're always there for a reason. Then one day, they just won't be. They won't be anything. I think that's what makes sad so beautiful. It's realizing what you're going to lose. Maybe not quite accepting it yet, because it is a hard thing to wrap your mind around, but realizing it. And then appreciating every single second. Even the really shitty ones. Because I think they'll matter too. It's just such a strange thing. Sad.

Ups and Downs.

I feel like I've flipped my life over completely in just the past few months. I'm doing all these things I've always been afraid of and I'm letting myself feel like I never have before. Oh the feels! But part of me kind of feels shitty about it. Because I've been told several times that I don't deserve this and part of me believes that. I mean let's think about this, I'm the one who always lied and cheated and bullshitted my way out of anything genuine because honestly I was chicken shit. And now I look at some of my friends who never did half the shit I have and they're unhappy. How is that fair? It can't be. It just baffles me that it's happening. I've found this person who reminds me of all the cheesy shit I've read and ever wanted and I'm looking at apartments with them and I wake up smiling because they're there and as far as I'm believing that's where they're staying. But then I look around to some of my friends and what are they doing? Trying to get over someone who broke them down. Trying to move on and becoming someone they're definitely not. I don't know how this is fair. I can't believe that it actually is. And that makes me feel pretty shitty.

Interesting.

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm wide open. Completely unguarded. My walls are down and I feel totally unprotected. But that doesn't scare me. It doesn't worry me at all and I don't know what to think of that. I'm skeptical of everything. I don't trust anything anyone tells me. I bullshit and lie to hide my true thoughts and feelings about everything, even small little shit. But I'm not doing that now. I'm honest. And trusting. And foolish. And I'm the happiest I've ever been. Or at least happiest I've been for a very long time. Happy without holding back. It's wonderful. Terrifying, but absolutely wonderful. I'm going to continue to roll with whatever happens because that's worked out so far. It's okay to have no idea what's going on.

Get a Grip

Okay I'm starting to become rather annoyed at certain people. Actually just at one person.  Why can you not just grow up and accept things as they are? We broke up months ago. MONTHS dude. Yes things were left a little unfinished between us, I realize that.  But let's get some things straight. We dated for what...four months? If that. There is no reason for you to be so madly "in love" with me.  Yeah I get it, I'm fucking cool. The feeling was not mutual. Yes I enjoyed your company. But you were clingy as shit and I do not appreciate that in a person ever.  We broke up because I still had a lot of feelings for my ex. I even told you that. I didn't feel it was fair to you.  Yes I said maybe one day in the future we could try again. I made no promises. I gave no deadlines. I WAS BEING NICE.  I realized I gave you mixed feelings during the summer while I was still single but then I got back with my ex. That should say "hey, she obviously has more feelings for him than me, I should move the fuck on." But oh no. You didn't do that. You became more obsessed. Once I got back to school I realize things did become very confusing. But let me quote myself here "I don't have feelings for you anymore". DO YOU NOT REMEMBER WHEN THOSE WORDS CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH? Because I sure as shit do. And then we didn't talk for two weeks until we hung out randomly and you blew up in my fucking face accusing me of sleeping around because you saw me TALKING with another guy. Let's not forget the fact that I was still in a relationship at that point. And what I did was none of your business at all. Yes. I moved on from you. Things have changed drastically. I suggest you move the fuck on too instead of sending me messages about how you don't even want to be my friend anymore. And how angry and "enraged" you feel every time you see me. Also, how you would only feel better with revenge but can't think of a good enough way yet so you just hope the universe does it for you. So sorry I moved on from your psycho ass. I'm not really into the angry "I'm going to literally punch a guy in the face for talking to you" kind of guys. Yeah. I haven't forgotten about that. Oh and I found out you THREATENED another guy? Fucking psycho. I'm done. Yeah I know I was a bitch to you with some of the things I did. I apologize for that. But it's time to move the fuck on. Sorry you can't be man enough to just be happy for me. Okay I'm done ranting now I think. Just had to get that little bit off my chest there. Bitches.

The rules of "Sex Buddies"

Lately I've been hearing a lot about "friends with benefits", "fuck buddies", etc. And every time I hear about it, I hear about people breaking the rules. Oh yes. There are rules. You would think it would be simple right? It's just sex. Well that's how it's supposed to be. But no one seems to remember the rules. So I'm going to go ahead and rant about that right now. The best part about having a friends with benefits relationship is that there is no relationship. All that crappy emotional stuff that makes everything so complicated is out. But it's important to keep in mind a few things so that it doesn't get ruined.

1.) It is just sex. Not "hey wanna watch a movie and get some dinner?" No. It's just "hey my roommates are out, be here in five". That's it. Hanging out besides sex (unless it's in a large group, that's not too bad) just tends to lead to emotions. And that is bad. Remember that.

 2.) Cuddling afterwards=NO. Cuddling is the epitome of a relationship. This is not supposed to be something sweet and special. It's just High-Five and Out as I like to call it.

 3.) There is no reason to be a total dick though. Having more than one fuck buddy at a time is just a little excessive and mean. Even if emotions aren't in it, it's just rude. But if you do plan to have more than one, be honest about it. There's no reason to lie. The worst that happens? You lose one. But oh hey, you have another.

 4.) NO HANGING OUT BESIDES SEX. I really can't stress that enough. Seriously people. Seriously.

 5.) Cutesy little texts really aren't necessary. Save that for your boyfriend/girlfriend.

 I think that's all. It really annoys me how people still manage to screw up something as simple as this. Basically, if you don't want a relationship but you want sex, follow these rules and you really can't go wrong. If you suddenly decided "hey this person doesn't suck as human being and I wouldn't mind dating them" then go ahead and break the damn rules. But the in-between shit where one person just wants sex but is leading the other person on by completely disregarding everything I have just ranted about is fucked up. Stop that shit.

Fuck salt.

Confusion sucks. It sucks even worse when you know what you have to do and what you want to do but actually doing it means someone is going to get hurt. And no one wants that. On one half, I'm happy. Truly actually happy. I'm laughing and enjoying myself and shit. On the other half, I'm just meh. I'm not unhappy. But I could be happier. Shit has just gotten stale and old. Not bad, just stale. But there's no easy way to figure out what to do. I realize this is just incoherent rambling, but this venting is making me feel a little better. I don't feel nearly as shitty as I should though. But then again, should I feel shitty at all for being happy? It kind of makes me want to bang my head against the wall. Fuck decisions.

Overactive imaginations are a pain in the ass.

It sometimes really bothers me that life isn't like a movie. Whenever I hear a beautiful song (like the one I'm listening to now: To Build a Home by Cinematic Orchestra) I always try to image some scene in my head that goes along with it. Right now it's some montage of myself and my friends suddenly figuring everything out. Just getting up and fucking fixing shit. We're all a little confused right now I think. Which of course is life yes I know that, but I'm going to imagine this is a movie right now. This is the part where we're all sitting in separate places at night thinking about how things went wrong. And then this song comes on and we all get up and go fix whatever our problems are. Happy ending. But I guess in my daydreams I never consider that we have something else after that "happy ending". Reality. But fuck reality. I prefer to live in my head. Sometimes anyway. Anyway, time to get back to...whatever the fuck I was doing before this. I don't even know anymore.

Titty sprinkles.

It's weird how nothing has changed now that I'm back at school. It's like everyone vowed this year would be different from last and that we would all be a little better, hopefully a little smarter. But we all fell back into our old roles and nothing has changed. Which really doesn't bother me at all. I mean yes hopefully we don't make all the same mistakes we did last year and we're not complete idiots. Which so far, so good I think. Maybe not. But anyway, I think too much change is a bad thing. Enough to adapt and not be boring but not too much that it seriously fucks with some shit. "More mistakes, less regrets" seems like something we're going to stick with this year. I hope that doesn't blow up in our faces.

So today has dealt me quite an emotional blow. I was just looking under my bed for some papers my mom was looking for (she was living in my room while I was away at school and this woman is ridiculously unorganized) when I found a letter addressed to me from my dad. My biological father. Who, from what I was told, last saw me when I was only a year old and then never tried to get in contact with me again. Tried to get in contact with my mom, but not me. And now I'm learning that's pretty much horse shit. He wrote me this long letter for my third birthday about how much he regretted not being there to watch me grow up and how much he missed me. He kept saying he was sorry for how what happened between him and my mom had affected me so unfairly. And how much he loved me. I don't know how to feel now. Part of me wants to be so angry and pissed off at my mom for not showing me this earlier, but I know she was probably trying to protect me. My dad did a lot of really fucked up shit when they were together right before and after I was born. But this letter makes me feel like he wasn't the completely heartless monster my mom has always told me he was. Now I feel like it's too late to even go looking for him, even though it's something I've always wanted to do. But then it was always more of a "to know if he's even alive because he probably won't care thing" and now it's more like "holy shit I actually have (had?) a Dad who did care. That I'll never know. Also there was a birthday card my half sister made in there too. Who I haven't seen or heard from since I was five. I just now figured out she's 8 years older that me. Something I never knew before. She was only 11 when she made the card, so of course she did the typical "list everyone who says hi" thing. Which is basically more family members I never even knew existed. Now I don't know what to do. I've read the letter several times already. And I cry every time. I think what always gets me is how his cursive handwriting looks almost just like mine.

Babbles.

This has absolutely nothing to do with anything but I feel like rambling on about nonsense. Sometimes I get so tangled up inside my own mind and I want things that don't mean anything. I want to be able to get out of bed in the morning and feel beautiful and sexy and totally carefree and jump in a car and drive away to nowhere with the windows down and singing at the top of my lungs. I want to get more tattoos and be able to tell my story with them and skinny dip in the dark. I want to write a song that people will hum along to without even realizing it. I want to be able to walk with grace in the woods and discover an opening where no one can find me. I want to write something that makes people think and maybe even care about. I want to be irresponsible and young and not have anyone's broken pieces to pick up except my own. I want to go to the beach at night and cuddle and fall in love and not make it complicated. No text messages or Facebook status or "in a relationship with...", just smiles and old school notes and pictures that I can touch and know they're real. I want to go away for a weekend with my friends and just hang out and laugh. I want to be clearheaded and honest. I want to be happy.

Jäger...

What is it about a bonfire out in the country that attracts my incredibly stupid drunk side? I mean yes, she comes out at other times too but she came out full throttle Sunday night. I just wanted to have a nice little night with a few friends I haven't seen in a while, relaxing, enjoying the night. But when I invite three people, ten show up. Still a small crowd, but it was more than enough. It wasn't even midnight by the time I was giving up on shots and just drinking Jägermeister straight from the bottle. And from there, things kind of went downhill. I thought I remembered most of the night but I was very mistaken. For instance, I don't remember completely slugging one guy for no reason. All while laughing because I'm a crazy person. Also, I have no memory of taking my shirt off and letting one of my guys friends wear it but there are several pictures of this happening. Don't remember starting numerous games of flip cup or kings. Don't remember several of my guy friends climbing in a tree and trying to break the branches off for the fire, but the destroyed bush in my yard remembers it well. Don't know how liter fluid got spilled everywhere. Don't know when I decided to lean all the way back into a bridge and tell my one girl friend to make out with me, but every guy remembers that. The biggest mystery of the night however, came about next morning. One of my friends was incredibly passed out drunk. So we put him in the back of the DD's car along with another guy so they could go home. They left. I specifically remember them leaving because I was sobering up by that time. The next morning a few of us walk out there, and see his car keys laying on the ground. Not a big deal because he left his car then. But then we look in his car and...HE'S THERE. No one has any idea how he got back. He thought he never left. I've never been more baffled in my life. Other than that, a rather successful night. Except for the ridiculous hangover I had the next day. I puked while driving. Like straight into a plastic bag I was holding up. Just puking and steering. I may have hit a new low point in my life.

What is this I don't even..

Sometimes when I wake up in the morning I just have one thought. "What is my life". Especially the mornings where I wake up in my best friends bed because I lost my key (again) and he took pity on me (again) but the only thing I can ask him is "where is my macaroni salad?" Because honestly, that was the only thing I cared enough about at that point. I don't know how I always end up in random ass situations. It always happens that I find something last minute where I only know one person and just tag along and end up leaving with a bunch of new friends who I'll probably never see again sober. But I guess that's what keeps my life interesting to me. I sure do have a lot of stories. For instance last night a friend and I decided last minute to go drink with the guy I'm currently seeing and his friends. By the time we got there it was already midnight and everyone was drunk. So naturally we just start downing shots. Things got a little weird. Like covering some guy in toilet paper weird. And apparently the guy I'm seeing is a crazy angry person because he punched two different people in the face for no reason. And that's really all I remember so far. My life has been bouncing all around so much lately that going out and drinking is actually what keeps it normal. I realize this is a sad statement. I just found out a few days ago that my mom is planning to move thirteen hours away and marry some guy who she used to be engaged to but hasn't seen in about 15 years. She hasn't even fully divorced my step dad yet. I'm really happy for her because she's been miserable for a long time now and definitely deserves to live her life out happily. But this does put me in a weird situation. I'm not going with her. So by this winter I have to find somewhere to come home to. I don't live up where I go to college yet because I can't afford it and don't have a car that would make the distance. I also have to find somewhere to keep my horse because I really don't want him to be all the way out in fucktown Michigan. Oh and I just found out today that I don't have a job this summer anymore. My boss just kind of forgot to tell me that until now so I don't know if I'll be able to find anything. On top of this I have apparently a sign on my forehead that says "Please come cry on my shoulder, please". I do love my friends though so of course I don't say anything. I just wish I had someone to talk to. I guess that's why this post is incredibly long and boring as shit. I have so many things to figure out in so little time. Sooooo glad all this is happening during exam week too! Yippee! Alright. Time to put my NO FUCKS ARE TO BE GIVEN face on and get shit done.

Come Original

So this weekend was probably the last "fun" weekend of the semester. Now it's just cramming in last minute assignments and studying my ass off for finals. SO EXCITED. Not. Well in a way I kind of want to get it all over with and get summer started. But then I think of what I'm going home to and I wish I could rewind time a little. I think things will be a little bit better now though. I have plans. Which I'm going to follow through with because I've changed a lot this year. I've learned that there are always people who will be there for you. You may not realize it right away until you start to think about the little things. Like who will drag their ass out of bed at two in the morning just so you can drunkenly cry on their shoulder. Or who will be defending you even when you're not around. I've also realized I've changed into who I want to be as a person, and I care less about who other people want me to be. I gotta say, it feels fucking wonderful to only be living up to my own expectations. And that sometimes, you just gotta say "fuck it" and do what you want and worry a hell of a lot less about the consequences afterwards. I used to beat myself up over every little thing I did. Now I don't. And honestly, a lot of the things I regretted really weren't that big of a deal anyway. Although things are still a little fucked up, I feel better than I have in a long long time. I'm still fending off reality with large amounts of booze, but it's in less of a "oh God I simply can't handle anything right now" way and more of a "well tits. I'll deal with that shit later let's go have some fun" kind of way. Which is exactly what I did last night. I danced on hay bales. Which in my mind right now, is the equivalent of dancing on a bar. No fucks were given, and it was fantastic.

Good Lives

Every now and then, I have a really awesome weekend. Where things just go smoothly. This was one of those weekends. First off, the circus was involved so how could it not be just a super big lump of fun? I'm serious. I fucking love the circus. A friend of mine had a couple extra tickets last minute so it wasn't an opportunity I was passing up. As soon as I walked in there I was instantly six years old again. I even bought cotton candy and a goofy hat. Totally innocent fun like that just makes me giddy. After that, a few friends and I started drinking some whiskey. They didn't feel like drinking after one or two drinks and one dared me to chug whiskey. A normal person would know better, but I'm not really a normal person. Also, I have no problem chugging liquor. No chaser either, just to make myself feel kind of badass. Anyway I got drunk enough to have fun, but not to make a fool of myself. I remember everything and just entertained everyone around me. So I was pretty pleased with myself for that. The next day was another adventure (oh how I do love adventures). Weed. I'm not really a huge fan of it just because I find most high people to be incredibly annoying, but I'm not against it either. So a group of us left campus in search of a suitable smoking area. The first place we found was behind someone's house on a path in the woods. It just screamed "oh please smoke here so I can kill you and hang you from the trees naked" So we vetoed that place and found a much better one. At first I planned to be straight but then again that's always my plan and it always fails. And it failed once more. But that was fine because it was so chill. So much better than the last time I was high. I became friends with a bag of jelly beans at one point. We shared a lot of laughs. Then I bugged out watching youtube videos and fell asleep. I wish every weekend could be this successful. Although it was uneventful, it was still highly enjoyable. Now however, I am brought back to reality by the large pile of homework that is sitting on my bed taunting me.

Words I Never Said

I don't know what I want to say. I don't even know what's going on inside this weird little mind of mine right now. I've got a whiteboard full of shit to do that I just can't seem to get a start on yet because I keep drifting off. Off to past weekends, past months, past lives it feels like. Things change so quickly. What is going on today is going to be completely different from what goes on next week. The weirdest part though is that no one ever seems to notice. You just suddenly look back one day and you're like "holy shit. When did everything become so different?" I guess that's why I try so hard to hold on to everything. I mean I love change because it keeps life from becoming mundane and boring, but at the same time I hate it when things change between people. Not just romantic feelings but just any relationship between people. When I feel myself drifting apart from someone I tend to scramble to fix things even if I know it's never going to be the same. I hold on to the past like a life raft. Which makes things a little awkward for me when drunk me is going around ruining things. Just this past weekend, drunk me got in a fight with a good friend of mine. I have no idea what was said, but I know I made a total ass out of myself. And now the relationship between us is a little weird. Things like that make me want to build a time machine. I guess you just have to live every moment the best you can without worrying about what happens tomorrow. Take nothing for granted and enjoy everything. Or some lame shit like that.

Drunken Lullabies

Let me just say, St. Patty's day almost defeated me. Saturday night was such a random ass night. It started just my friend and I casually drinking rum while watching Horrible Bosses. Went through about 3 or 4 drinks each by the time the movie was over. Of course the only logical thing to do after that would be to watch porn. And not normal porn, Spiderman, Batman, and Aladdin porn. Oh yeah. After getting a good laugh at that, I'm pretty sure we went outside for a cigarette. Where we ran into one other girl who was actually back from break who we never really talk to. So of course we invite her to drink with us! Which actually was a good idea because she's really chill. After she left is where things start getting a little fuzzy. I have this silly little habit where when I'm drunk I think it's a good idea to talk to people I don't know. I'm just friendly like that. Anyway, we're sitting outside on the back steps of his dorm when I see these two guys walking by looking up at us. So I start making conversation. Basically they were looking for people to drink with so I told them good luck and I'd probably see them later. Then we went back in and drank more. The next thing I remember is being back out on the steps with those two guys again. Whatever happened in between that God only knows. Then we all go back inside to drink more (because that was such a good idea at the time!) and things pretty much fade out after that. The next morning I wake up and think I'm alone until I feel someone's hand on my back. I thought it was my friends but nope. Just the random Russian guy I met. And now he won't stop texting me. Luckily nothing happened between us but why do I always attract the weirdos? His friend was the one I was interested in but noooooooooooo. I swear, drunk me just hates me. I also broke a hook off my bra, and broke the blinds on my friends window. And I think I'm still hungover. Coke just tastes like rum still. Damn you Captain Morgan. Damn you to the pits of hell.

Stay Young, Go Dancing.

How lame is it that I actually missed school a little over spring break? I mean Florida was great, but I'm happy to be back on campus even though hardly anyone else is back yet. Doesn't matter. This is the first place I've been where I'm actually content. Despite how I may bitch and moan in other posts, this is home to me now. Anyways, today is St. Patty's day so of course that means party hardy tonight. With a handle of Captain Morgan. And just one of my best friends and I. If I die tonight on the floor of my friend's room possibly half naked, probably after embarrassing myself with texts I should have never sent and vague Facebook posts that no one understands, I shall die happy. However, I would prefer living. Oh and why do guys feel the need to bullshit girls? Do they not realize that there are girls out there who don't need to be called "amazing" and led on to believe that they "the only light in their life right now" or lame shit like that? For real guys why not be straight up like "hey you're hot, and your personality doesn't suck either. But I don't wanna date you so how bout we just have some casual sex?" Cut the bullshit and get straight to the point. Or maybe I'm just the weird one who would prefer that. I'm not into the "oh sweetie, baby, you mean the world to me" thing right now. Not saying I'm not interested in someone like that.....but I don't see the point in a serious relationship right now. Okay, my rant for now is done. Time to finally unpack my suitcase...

Love is Dangerous

Feelings. Being attracted to another person. What does it all really mean? A big mess. That feeling when you know you have something so good in front of your face, when you have a person who just knows you better than you know yourself. I hate that. Doesn't really make sense right? I have someone who is so perfect for me. Who can just pick me up when I'm feeling down and sweep me off my feet completely. So i why can't I just be with him? Why am I instead wasting my time with guys who just end up causing me more bullshit? I wish I had the answer for that. What the fuck am I doing? Why the fuck do I not stop this? The perfect guy is right in front of me, but he's too good to be wasting time with me. And now, I'm beginning to see someone else in a whole new life. Someone it could never, would never work with. Life isn't some romantic comedy. Those things don't just happen in real life. They're "too good to be true"

Enemy

Recently I've discovered someone is out to get me.  I've always thought of us as friends, there were never any problems between us.  However, I guess I was wrong.
This person is drunk me.  Apparently, drunk me is an asshole. Only to me though, I'm very entertaining to other people.
Drunk me thinks it's funny for me to wake up with my phone destroyed (I tried to give it a bath), bruises all over my arms (still a mystery), cuts all over my knuckles (picked a fight with a wall, wall won), and usually at least one of my belongings missing. After all of this, drunk me likes to completely erase all memories of the night and makes sure I wake up the next morning very very confused.
I don't know what happened between us.  Things used to work out fine. Oh drunk me, can we ever go back to the way things were?

Even If She Falls..

Lately, my life has been a mess.  I don't say that in the "Oh wow I have so many things going on" way. I mean that in the "I want to stand outside and scream until I explode" kind of way.
Last weekend something happened to me that I never thought would.  I never thought I would end up being shoved up against the wall of a bathroom stall by some drunk guy.  Get what I'm trying to say here? It could have been so much worse. That's what I keep telling myself over and over again.  Yes, it did go too far, but it could have gone further.
My first reaction was to run, and I ran all the way into the arms of my best friend.  I mean that literally. I cried in his arms on the floor of the boys bathroom of his dorm for a good while.  He has been an amazing person through this for me.  I can only hope that everyone has someone in their life like him. To know you have one person who is going to always be there and do everything in their power for you. To have that kind of support and love.
We've been friends for years but that's the first time I realized how close we have become. I'm so lucky to have him. Sorry, but his incredible friendship still amazes me. I really don't know what I would do without him.

So..

I generally don't talk to people about what I'm really thinking.  Not that I'm trying to be "mysterious" or anything, I'm just not good with expressing my thoughts or feelings.  But after all the things that have happened to me, I just need a way to express myself somehow.  And what better way to do that but anonymously over the internet?
So I figured I'd give this a try.  Even if not a single person reads it, at least I can clear out my overcrowded mind a little bit.
Just a tiny little bit about me: I'm a psychology major and the human mind continues to amaze me every day. Music is an incredible part of my life; I play guitar every now and then as a hobby.  It helps me to zone out completely. As I said before, I tend to keep my thoughts to myself and I'm pretty good at fooling people (which I'm not always proud of but sometimes the situation just calls for it).
Well that's pretty much it for now.  Hopefully my posts become less boring as I go on.  But if not, that's okay. This is really my attempt at keeping my sanity anyway.